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Guide to the Perplexed for the Identification of Arab Liberals

Published on 07 March 2013, by M. Tomazy.
By As'ad AbuKhalil 
1. You are invited as a guest to Janadriyah’s annual silly festival for men, hosted by King Abdullah or his sons.

2. You are attached to one of the Saudi princes and write for one of their mouthpieces.

3. You call for women’s freedom in Iran, but you are silent on women’s status in Saudi Arabia, or you even praise the status of women in Saudi Arabia.

4. You synchronize your views and values according to the wishes of the Saudi royal family, and you adjust according to the fluctuations of Saudi foreign policy.

5. You attack the Syrian regime or the Qatari regime when so ordered by Saudi princes. In fact, you know how to act so that often times you don’t need to receive orders from them. You know your royal obligations.

6. You claim that there is no censorship in Saudi newspapers, because you know your obligations by heart.

7. You never mention the plight of the Palestinian people.

8. You support democracy in countries that are on bad terms with the Saudi royal family.

9. You claim that Saudi policies are secular and only Iranian policies are sectarian.

10. You are a secular sectarian who adopts the sect of the House of Saud for convenience.

11. You are a timid Wahhabi: at heart a Wahhabi but afraid to come out.

12. You despise revolutions, but refer to all political movements supported by the House of Saud as “revolutions.”

13. You support the armed opposition movement in Syria, but you categorically oppose what you call the “terrorism” of unarmed demonstrators in Bahrain.

14. You are against corruption and you consider the bribes of the sons of Saud a blessing to Arab life.

15. You claim that you support women’s right, but yet you consider Saudi rule ideal for women and men alike.

16. You speak only when spoken to by Saudi princes.

17. You attend conferences. But if you see a Saudi prince or his assistant, you chase him around the conference.

18. You refer to the scripted words of Saudi princes as “poetry.”

19. You believe that your head should not be higher from the ground when in the company of Saudi princes.

20. You consider the STDs of Saudi princes a gift to medical science.

21. You categorically reject arms directed against Israel, but you champion arms used against enemies of the House of Saud.

22. You are a pacifist only when it comes to struggle against Israel.

23. You believe that freedom of expression is sacred unless used against the interests of Arab royalty.

24. You like John Stuart Mill, but you like Mohammed Ibn Abdul-Wahab even more.

25. You think that Saudi princes are the funniest and loveliest and smartest specimen of humans there are.

26. You despise the Arab people because they despise your belief system.

27. You claim that changes in your policies according to changes in Saudi foreign policy are mere coincidence.

28. You appease the Zionists just as your royal masters.

29. You are pained by suffering in Syria but never by suffering in Palestine.

30. You blame massacres by Israel on the victims themselves.

31. You believe that the Hariri family are a gift from the House of Saud and God to the Lebanese people.

32. You claim to oppose Hezbollah because you are secular, but really admire Sunni Wahhabi Salafis around the world.

33. You oppose al-Qaeda and its affiliates in the region except when they serve Saudi policies and sectarian agenda.

34. You have no sense of humor, just like Saudi princes.

35. You dance with the sword or without it, if ordered to amuse Saudi princes or their assistants.

36. You write 99 percent of all your articles against Iran and Hezbollah and Syria.

37. You don’t pray toward Mecca (even if you are not a believer): you instead pray toward whatever city your Saudi prince happens to be in, even in Las Vegas.

38. You consider Samir Atallah and Jihad Khazin your role models – especially the latter, because Khalid bin Sultan purchased a house in a fancy London neighborhood for him.

39. You have never ever forgiven Nasser for his attacks on Arab royalty.

40. You maintain that the Arab uprisings are intended only as a popular challenge against all enemies and rivals of the House of Saud.

41. You don’t dare look in the mirror lest you see the face of a Saudi prince and remember that you don’t exist anymore.

42. You don’t like poetry but you read the poetry of Prince Khalid al-Faisal and consider it the best poetry since Mutanabbi.

43. Your ultimate joy in life is when invited to join the entourage of a traveling Saudi prince.